A Day of Reflection and Celebration! Happy 29th Birthday Tony!

Twenty nine years ago this morning, I drove my two boys to my mom and asked if she would watch them while I go had my third child!    My baby had been very active for the last three weeks but I just could not take it anymore -it was time.  The every other day trips to the hospital telling me I was in labor and would surely be back later that day to deliver was a bit old at this point.  No, I was now determined that I was going to deliver a baby today!  Hours later, with much medical drama, my 9 lb 14 oz baby boy was born purple with a cord around his neck!  The drama turned into fear and in a few minutes which seemed like hours to me, I heard him cry!!!  Music to a new mother’s ears!

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Tonys Birth MARCH 9, 1985 1:11 PM

It is funny how those moments reflect the personality of your child’s life!  Tony truly was a very determined, stubborn, his own way type of child.  I loved him for it as much as we fought about it.  I knew those traits would carry him far in life, if only we made it through the teenage years!

This is the 5th birthday without Tony here in the physical presence.  He is here in my heart and mind every moment of every day!  He lives on in all that I do!  Aside from missing my child every second of every day, one of the most difficult parts of this journey is the unknown. After 5 years, even though I know there is NO time limit on grief, and we will NEVER get over it, somehow, I  start to think that experience counts for something.  While my boys were growing up. as I muddled through motherhood,  when I got something a wrong, over reacted, or just needed to apologize, I tried to explain to them that although I was their mom, it was the first time I was THEIR Mom at this age.  I had no experience with the exact situation.  Sure, I could compare it to what I had done before, or with their brothers, but reality was, each child and circumstance brought about small changes in the situation which changed how I would react.  Every situation, even thought I may have been through something similar, was unique to the moment and brought out unexpected or new reactions to it.

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TONY’S 1ST BIRTHDAY

 

The same is true for my grief journey.  While I have been through birthday’s anniversaries  and holidays before, this is the first time I am facing the 5th birthday!  It is the first time I am facing a birthday with unique circumstance surrounding it.   There is no way to anticipate how I will feel on this day.  All my good intentions can be washed away in a split second.  A photo, memory, story, all told or shown with good intent can make me laugh, cry or both!  I hope that through my life, my friends will always let me have the option of doing all.  I would rather experience the emotions with my friends and family than cry because I think no one remembers or cares!

Today, we are abandoning the tradition we had and heading out to celebrate Tony’s life at a pizza place!  Our tradition of being home with just us and the boys served us well while we needed it.  Today, as we reflect on the life Tony lived we will also celebrate the love we shared!  This is the wonderful thing about grief traditions.  We can change them at a moments notice.  It is our grief and we can be as crazy as we want!

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TONY’S 7TH BIRTHDAY

I miss my boy, I have been waiting for the Hawk that shows up.  So far I have not seen him.  Does this make me sad?  Oh yea!  Does it define my grief, love or day?  No, I will find a great memory in today and focus on that.  I will also believe the hawk has flown somewhere that he is need more than here today.  I am comfortable with Tony being with me ALWAYS!  Although I love the signs, I must not be selfish-after all-Tony is probably still sleeping, playing video games and rolling his eye going “Mom, come on-it’s my birthday-Let me be!

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TONYS 24TH BIRTHDAY

I do picture Tony and my Dad together and all the angels of the moms, dads, brother and sisters I have met here celebrating with Tony and my loved ones!  If I close my eyes, I can the the Heavenly celebration!  Happy Birthday my baby!  Love you bunches!  Always have, Always will!

 

 

Post Note:  As I sit here finishing up and adding photos to this post I hear the Hawk outside-Funny how the simple things can make your heart sing! I run out to take photos and there are 6 of them, a turkey vulture, some crows and 4 seagulls all flying around my home!  I do believe that our angels are together! Here are a few photos from this mornings Hawk sighting!

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